Polar Bear Feeds on Stupid Woman

You may have seen the headline, Woman Attacked By Polar Bear!  My goodness, I thought.  Was she just walking down the street , minding her own business when a crazed polar bear hopped off his stool at Starbucks abandoning his half-caf latte and darted after her, attacking her for no reason? No, of course not.  For one thing, polar bears prefer cappucinos to lattes.  For another, the woman was in the wrong. 

The minimally gifted female climbed over a fence at the Berlin Zoo and plopped into a moat in the polar bear enclosure.  She also chose feeding time for her little adventure.  The bears were displeased with the invasion of their habitat and one let her know by biting her in several places before zoo personnel were able to get her out.  There’s some compelling video of the incident including the woman’s anguished cry as a bear clamps its jaws down on her buttocks.  My goodness if she sues I will take the next flight to Berlin, hunt her down and slap her repeatedly with a wet mackerel.

So the headline should not have appeared the way it did all around the world.  It would have been more accurate to write one of these alternatives:

Polar Bears Show Restraint During Home Invasion

Bears Minding Own Business Endure Unwanted Drop-In

Bears Complain: First, Diminishing Ice Caps, Now This!

No one seems to know what the woman was thinking, or not thinking, when she decided to leap into the enclosure but thanks to her, I’m sure the Zoo will have to erect higher fences and post bigger warning signs.  Presumably she has learned her lesson now that she has giant teethmarks forever on her buttcheeks and video on youtube that proves she’s a howling idiot of nearly unmatched dimness.

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