The Subject of Gossip

Miss Sugar looking relaxed, lying down in the corner of the couch

Today, my little insect trackers, I have happened upon some famous words from famous people, about cats. I have much to say about what has been said! So the sayers shall have their say, following which I will offer my commentary. Are we clear? Excellent. Let’s begin.

“Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”

― Mark Twain

Well, that’s simply the truth. Although I have seen foolish humans attempt to leash a cat. May I remind you what occurred when my silly human beans attempted to harness my pal Spice? This was not for a walk, but for some leisure time with them on the back deck at our London home. There were approximately 7 seconds of this:

Spice lying on the deck, looking comfortable

Followed by pure panic and scrambling after my buddy escaped from the foolish contraption! Don’t do it, my friends. Not if your feline has a fragment of sense or intelligence! They will put the legend of Houdini to shame.

“One day I was counting the cats and I absent-mindedly counted myself.”

― Bobbie Ann Mason

Also true! We do not become more like human beans. Our humans become more like us. Have you noticed your cat checking its smartphone every 11 seconds or hogging the covers? You have not! But I have noticed my humans slowing down to match my unhurried pace. Our influence must not be underestimated. We are the best thing to happen to high blood pressure since the water pill.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

― George Carlin

It pains me to contradict Mr. Carlin, whose comedic brilliance and philosophical insight are virtually unparalleled. However, contradict him, I must. I shall do so with an example.

Gracie, the filthy dog next door of whom my humans have grown quite fond, woofs a lot. She woofs at a passing human, a stopping truck, an opening garage door down the street – you get the idea. She woofs to alert her people of a threat and to her, everything is a threat. If a bird is a tweeter, then this filthy dog is a woofer.

In contrast, I meow for a specific purpose. I meow only in the presence of my people. Cats do not meow when they’re alone to alert anyone to anything. My meows convey important messages like, “is my food ready yet”, and “how about some food” and, “what’s the deal with the food, anyway”? If my humans are in danger from a garage door down the street, they’ll have to handle the invasion on their own. After they get me some food.

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”

― Christopher Hitchens

Mother thought Hitchens was brilliant. Now I see why.

“There are two means of refuge from the misery of life — music and cats.”

― Albert Schweitzer

If I could play the piano, there would only be one refuge!

As Oscar Wilde said, the only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about. And cats are a delightful source of conversation. A few hundred Egyptian Pharaohs can’t be wrong.

I hope you’ve enjoyed our foray into feline literature. Until next week, my little post scratchers, I hope you stay well and hairball free.

Your friend,

Miss Sugar

1 thought on “The Subject of Gossip”

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *